Compulsive Posting Disorder

URGENT NEWS JUST IN! New disease discovered in the remote regions of the mind.

A new disease has recently been discovered in a remote tribe, the Lifted Hearts Network. The tribe is located in the northern hemisphere, scattered mostly through-out the United States and Canada. The disease, known as Compulsive Posting Disorder, or 'CPD' for short, was first diagnosed in fellow tribe member Tig, by a private practitioner. This rapidly spreading disease at first exhibits few, if any, symptoms, and virtually spreads painlessly throughout the patient's body. As the disease progresses, signs and symptoms slowly start to manifest themselves in the patient (or host), but are usually ignored. By the time the patient has tested positive for 'CPD' the diagnosis is often too late.

Doctors and counselors everywhere are urging people to perform this simple little test at home, followed by a symptoms checklist questionnaire, to see if they might be a victim of 'CPD'.

SIMPLE TEST FOR 'CPD':

At this very moment, are you:

a.) Sitting at a Lifted Hearts Network message board, reading a post?

b.) Having a life?

SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR 'CPD' (FROM EARLY TO FINAL STAGES):

1. Your exercise regimen has been reduced to doings laps: The computer-bathroom-refrigerator-computer circuit. CURE: Do a real lap, outside perhaps. Feel the sunlight on your face and the fresh air in your lungs.

2. You think those little people running around shrieking like demons are subservient slaves. They're not, they're your children. CURE: Go introduce yourself. Don't be scared, they will not hurt you.

3. Around seventy-three percent of what you do on the computer is a total waste of time. Eventually this symptom increases, manifesting itself to about ninety-seven percent, and is followed by intense posting. CURE: Simply lessening the percent time spent on the computer results in absolutely no benefit whatsoever. You must actually turn the computer 'off' immediately.

4. Patients of  'CPD' often show signs of respiratory distress. The patient may begin to feel a tense, tightening around their chest and upper back area, however, no visual signs of constriction are present. This symptom is called the "Lifted Hearts Hug", or "Tig's Hug" syndrome, and eventually is felt by all victims of  'CPD'. CURE: Remember real, physical hugs? Go get one. NOTE: If you are experiencing this symptom it's extremely important that you seek medical treatment right away... And a huge *Tig's Hug* to you, we are all thinking of you!

5. The eyesight of 'CPD' patients is often affected by the disease. This can result in a high degree of light-sensitivity -- or extreme photosensitivity to any distracting light, making your computer-screen, and the Lifted Hearts message board, difficult to read. CURE: It is not just any distracting light, it is actually the sun. Do not be alarmed, it will not harm you. It's okay to get some of it on you.

6. Your appetite changes. Changes in appetite are often one of the last symptoms of 'CPD'. As the disease progresses the digestive system becomes more involved. Living on a diet of PopTarts, cake batter and Pepsi is often noticed in the late stages of the disease. CURE: Try eating something that was grown in soil. Call a friend to drive you immediately to your local Vegetable/Fruit stand. NOTE: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPERATE A VEHICLE YOURSELF AS IT IS NOT MANEUVERED BY A MOUSE AND YOU MAY LOSE CONTROL WHILE TRYING TO CLICK ON THE LEFT STEERING WHEEL BUTTON!

7. Loss of muscle tone. The Compulsive Posting Disorder patient may notice that their buttocks resemble a sack of potatoes, and their upper arms wave back when their hands do. CURE: As painful as it is for the patient, the patient should be encouraged to push the chair back from the computer desk, and slowly try to stand. The patient may need some assistance in doing this the first time. Eventually the patient should be encouraged to actually take a step or two, unaided.

8. If left untreated, 'CPD' may lead to more serious complications: Patients may exhibit signs of Carpel Tunnel Syndrome (usual felt in the right index finger), and permanent neck/back damage may result (due to the patient's endless hours of slouching over the computer screen). CURE: Have the patient note any pain that wasn't there pre-Lifted Hearts. Eat lots of crow.

9. Confusion/Delirium. The patient with Compulsive Posting Disorder often confuses human warmth via the heat emitted from the computer tower. Also, the patient begins to question what 'stage' he/she is in. Professionals are completely baffled as to what the "stages" are that most 'CPD' patients speak of. Often the patient, in their delirium, will throw a party and invite other 'CPD' patients to it. CURE: Fondling your mouse does not replace physical contact. Go out and get you some.

10. Speech involvement. Mumbling, muttering, stuttering, stumbling over words, and word repetition. The patient often demonstrates difficulty in carrying on normal conversation, and is often heard muttering, or stuttering, "Just let me check the boards real quick". As noted too, if a 'CPD' patient is subjected to humor, they will not react by smiling or laughing, but will often be heard to say, "LOL". CURE: Karaoke night at your local social club.

~~Tigress

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