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"A Car and Its Man"

This article is dedicated to my daughter April, who, at the delicate age of eighteen, married a Car-aholic. Now, I love my son-in-law Travis to pieces, and I couldn't have asked for a better husband for my darling daughter. But, Travis suffers from that dreaded psychological disorder plaguing mass quantities of men all over the world - Car Obsessive Personality Disorder (DSM III XR7).

Don't laugh. This is a serious matter to the poor, neglected wives of these otherwise normal men. Personally, I don't know what the big attraction is anyway. They all look about the same to me (cars, not men). But, living life with these men can be the pits (pun intended). What woman wants to spend her life talking to a pair of dirty, oil-smeared sneakers stuck out from under the car?

April actually spent this New Year's Eve alone while Travis brought the new car out to be washed and waxed - so it would start out the new year clean and shiny. The irony of this is that when the car is clean, he parks it in the garage and drives the old clunky pickup everywhere so he doesn't get the new car dirty. If for some reason it's inconvenient to put the car in the garage, he parks it in the middle of the front yard because "there's less bird traffic there."

When Travis does drive the new car somewhere it's with the greatest of care. The seats and floors are cloaked with sheets, while high heels, gum, and food are not allowed. When you get out of the car he takes off the sheets and shakes the dirt off of them ( a safe distance away from the car - should the breeze blow the dirt around). Kind of makes one feel like they have cooties or something. Sometimes, Travis has crammed four people in his clunky old pickup so no-one would get his car dirty. And boy, was I mad about that

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When at all possible, he'll park as far away from the other cars as he can. If that's not an option he'll drive around the parking lot for 154 minutes, or more, waiting for just the right parking space between two other new cars. He's also been known to park down the middle of two parking spaces so no-one will park right next to him.

Actually, while men with this personality disorder can be a pain to live with, they can also be easy to please. just give them a remote control on a rainy Sunday afternoon and they'll entertain themselves for hours flipping from one car commercial to another. And buying gifts for them is a cinch. Travis' idea of a perfect gift is a new chamois. you know - one of those expensive, slimy, tan rags that doesn't even look good when it's new. Give him one of those and he'll start salivating. Before you know it he'll be outside trying it out during a rainstorm.

Travis once tried to overcome his obsession with cars by going into therapy. He even joined a support group. For awhile it seemed to be working. But then April made him quit the group when she found out they had moved their meetings from the Civic Center to the Auto Mall.

Now, we just happen to live at the end of a long, dusty, bumpy driveway. people around these parts have been known to call it the Burma Road. It's so bad that last year some smart aleck (Good Samaritan?) stole a road horse and put it up at the end of our driveway. When Travis first saw this obstacle course stretching out in front of him, he got very nervous. Not only did he take the driveway at a snail's pace, but then immediately got out to assess the car for damages. He even got under the car to check out the shocks. He's gotten use to our driveway throughout the years, but not before considering leaving his car out by the road so that he wouldn't have to wash it after every trip down the driveway.

Travis and April live in kentucky at the moment. I live in arizona. They both love it here and would like to move here someday. Travis promises me that they will eventually live out here. Just as soon as our state paves all it's roads.

~~Debra Nowicki

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