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The Woman's Guide to
What a Man is Really Saying...

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it ... we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay

"I can't find it." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" = "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" = "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." = "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." = "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." = "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." = "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my
chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

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"I heard you." = "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." = "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." = "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." = "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." = "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." = "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." = "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." = "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." = "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." = "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." = "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." = "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." = "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." = "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." = "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." = "She dumped me."

"I'm going fishing." = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." = "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." = "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." = "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." = Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." = "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" = "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." = "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." = "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." = "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." = "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." = "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." = "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." = "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." = "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." = "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." = "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." = "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." = "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear or Pamela Anderson."

"That's women's work." = "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" = "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." = "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." = "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." = "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." = "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." = "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

INTERVIEW WITH A MAN!

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

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