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This site brought to you by Lifted Hearts and Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru  |  The Break Up Survivor

THE BREAKUP

BREAKUP INSPIRATIONS

WHAT'S NEW

EXES ARE
FROM URANUS

BREAKUP CHANNELS

THE THEORY

I just learned this really neat thing a few days ago, and, by golly, I think it has merit. I heard that we all have an "issue" that causes us HURT & that we all carry this "issue/hurt" around with us. Well, what I learned is that when we have a relationship with someone, that "someone" temporary soothes our "issues", and then if we breakup with them we grieve and hurt because all of a sudden we have that "issue" back! I know this probably doesn't make sense, but supposedly if we can identify the "issue" then we can work on healing our hurt by solving our own problems. You're suppose to look at the list below and find which ones you identify with when your ex broke up with you. Once you have identified your source of hurt, or your "issues" if you'd rather, then you have to learn how to quit fighting and resisting the hurt or "issue". Supposedly this is what sabotages your healing. It creates all your hurt, fear and upset. It is responsible for all your unworkability, all your suffering and all your self-sabotaging behavior. To heal this hurt and to be free inside, you need to do the opposite of fighting and resisting it. You need to find the specific hurt that you've been avoiding and make peace with it. Give in to it. Concede. And as you do this, the hurt loses power and disappears. Hmmmm.

The best way to find your hurt is to look at your upsets. Here is the list, select those that ring a bell with you, those where you feel pain or hurt when you read them, especially those you felt resurfaced after the break up:

  • unlovable
  • not wanted
  • not needed
  • not worth loving
  • worthless
  • no good
  • not good enough
  • don't measure up
  • not enough
  • not good enough to be loved
  • have no value
  • inadequate
  • insufficient
  • less than
  • useless
  • insignificant
  • a nothing
  • unimportant
  • don't count
  • don't matter
  • a nobody
  • a loser
  • a failure
  • can't cut it
  • don't have what it takes
  • incompetent
  • screwed up
  • something is wrong with you
  • can't do anything right
  • stupid
  • unstable
  • inferior
  • defective
  • weak
  • helpless
  • needy
  • clingy
  • a wimp
  • a coward
  • irresponsible
  • unreliable
  • lazy
  • self-centered
  • inconsiderate
  • selfish
  • dishonest
  • bad
  • wrong
  • evil
  • heartless
  • ugly
  • fat
  • a slut
  • just like your parents

Notice that some of these words are painful and some aren't (mine were unlovable and not wanted--oh, ouch!). The ones that aren't painful are aspects of you that you don't have an issue with. Find the ones that hurt. This is the source of your pain, and grief. This is really where your grieving is suppose to be based. When your ex and you split up supposedly this "issue" of yours, that he /she had temporary soothed, resurfaced. Now you have to face that issue, bring it into your heart and REALLY GIVE IT A GOOD CRYING OVER. Acknowledge that you are unlovable or not wanted (as in my case) and cry your eyes out. This actually mends you and makes your issues go away.

HUGS TO ALL!!!!

TIGRESS

Dear Tigress,

I just read your theory. I'm not quite sure about it. I found a few things that pertain to me, but, if I read the bottom of your message right, I'm suppose to admit them? I don't think I know how. That may sound a bit stupid....the words I related to were not wanted, inadequate, inferior, needy, and fat. So....these things that I feel I have been trying to overcome by believing in myself...believing that I am a good person and strong. Am I doing the opposite of what this theory is suggesting? I need a little more explanation on this before I can tell you what I truly think.

Reader

Hi. I'm still working on that concept, too LOL.

But when I read this theory I stopped and thought. Yes, I had a bad, bad time with my breakup---that's how I learned so much.. Arghh!! But after I read this theory I started thinking about it really hard and it kind of dawned on me, I don't think I was grieving the loss of him (he was a jerk) but that "hurt" or "issue" I had always carried in my heart previously, the same "hurt' and "issue" that losing him just reawakened. In my case it was that I can't stand the thought of being unloved or not wanted (rejected)! And I really was grieving more over the loss of being accepted and not rejected (by not having him love me anymore) and the loss of being wanted (by not having him want me anymore) MORE than the loss of him and/or us.

Well anyway the theory goes that if you have a "hurt" or "issue" such as any that rang true to you when you read the list, that if you try to fight it and overcome it (which is what some of us do, right?) it actually starts to consume you. The more you try to fight it the more it controls you. There was a suggestion like this:

Okay for the next 3 minutes I don't want you to think about cats, okay? So what are you thinking about now? No stop, I said I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT CATS! See the more you try not to acknowledge something (thinking about cats) the more you will! The suggestion or theory is exactly this...that the more you try NOT TO give into something (thoughts of our ex...being alone, inadequate, etc.), the more YOU WILL. But if you just give into it, have a good cry over it, and accept it as a true fact and a part of you... Acknowledge it as true, that you can therefore release it.

Interesting...

Thanks so much for your opinion. I really value it!

HUGS!!

TIGRESS

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