I just learned
this really neat thing a few days ago, and, by golly, I think it has merit.
I heard that we all have an "issue" that causes us HURT & that we all
carry this "issue/hurt" around with us. Well, what I learned is that when
we have a relationship with someone, that "someone" temporary soothes our
"issues", and then if we breakup with them we grieve and hurt because all
of a sudden we have that "issue" back! I know this probably doesn't make
sense, but supposedly if we can identify the "issue" then we can work on
healing our hurt by solving our own problems. You're suppose to look at the
list below and find which ones you identify with when your ex broke up with
you. Once you have identified your source of hurt, or your "issues" if you'd
rather, then you have to learn how to quit fighting and resisting the hurt
or "issue". Supposedly this is what sabotages your healing. It creates all
your hurt, fear and upset. It is responsible for all your unworkability,
all your suffering and all your self-sabotaging behavior. To heal this hurt
and to be free inside, you need to do the opposite of fighting and resisting
it. You need to find the specific hurt that you've been avoiding and make
peace with it. Give in to it. Concede. And as you do this, the hurt loses
power and disappears. Hmmmm.
The best way
to find your hurt is to look at your upsets. Here is the list, select those
that ring a bell with you, those where you feel pain or hurt when you read
them, especially those you felt resurfaced after the break up:
not worth loving
not good enough
don't measure up
not good enough to be
have no value
can't cut it
don't have what it takes
something is wrong with
can't do anything right
just like your parents
some of these words are painful and some aren't (mine were unlovable and
not wanted--oh, ouch!). The ones that aren't painful are aspects of you that
you don't have an issue with. Find the ones that hurt. This is the source
of your pain, and grief. This is really where your grieving is suppose to
be based. When your ex and you split up supposedly this "issue" of yours,
that he /she had temporary soothed, resurfaced. Now you have to face that
issue, bring it into your heart and REALLY GIVE IT A GOOD CRYING OVER.
Acknowledge that you are unlovable or not wanted (as in my case) and cry
your eyes out. This actually mends you and makes your issues go away.
HUGS TO ALL!!!!
I just read
your theory. I'm not quite sure about it. I found a few things that pertain
to me, but, if I read the bottom of your message right, I'm suppose to admit
them? I don't think I know how. That may sound a bit stupid....the words
I related to were not wanted, inadequate, inferior, needy, and fat. So....these
things that I feel I have been trying to overcome by believing in
myself...believing that I am a good person and strong. Am I doing the opposite
of what this theory is suggesting? I need a little more explanation on this
before I can tell you what I truly think.
Hi. I'm still
working on that concept, too LOL.
But when I
read this theory I stopped and thought. Yes, I had a bad, bad time with my
breakup---that's how I learned so much.. Arghh!! But after I read this theory
I started thinking about it really hard and it kind of dawned on me, I don't
think I was grieving the loss of him (he was a jerk) but that "hurt" or "issue"
I had always carried in my heart previously, the same "hurt' and "issue"
that losing him just reawakened. In my case it was that I can't stand the
thought of being unloved or not wanted (rejected)! And I really was grieving
more over the loss of being accepted and not rejected (by not having him
love me anymore) and the loss of being wanted (by not having him want me
anymore) MORE than the loss of him and/or us.
the theory goes that if you have a "hurt" or "issue" such as any that rang
true to you when you read the list, that if you try to fight it and overcome
it (which is what some of us do, right?) it actually starts to consume you.
The more you try to fight it the more it controls you. There was a suggestion
Okay for the
next 3 minutes I don't want you to think about cats, okay? So what are you
thinking about now? No stop, I said I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT CATS!
See the more you try not to acknowledge something (thinking about cats) the
more you will! The suggestion or theory is exactly this...that the more you
try NOT TO give into something (thoughts of our ex...being alone, inadequate,
etc.), the more YOU WILL. But if you just give into it, have a good cry over
it, and accept it as a true fact and a part of you... Acknowledge it as true,
that you can therefore release it.
much for your opinion. I really value it!