One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

Eight things you will never hear a woman say:

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. Why did God give men penises ?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

The girl says, "Mom, do you think I'm old enough to start douching?"
Her mother says, "Why don't you ask all the sea gulls that are following you?"

Why are there so many blond jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ?
A. Its Braille for "suck here".

Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't ?
A. Her bellybutton.

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