| Today's women's magazines bombard us with
advice on nearly everything in our lives. From fixing a leaky faucet - to
covering up that blemish! Trouble is - the advice they give us describes
how their image of today's women should handle it. Well, we're here to tell
you the real solution to the common problems that occur in our lives - or
rather, how a "Kiss-OFF!" woman would handle it!
What the magazines say:
"If you haven't time in your busy morning's schedule to apply your make-up,
try putting it on first thing when you get out of the shower - before you
start your morning routine!"
What it really means:
The most important thing in the world is for you to be a picture-perfect,
plastic, superficial being: even if that image is acquired through you skipping
a healthy breakfast and racing at dangerously high speeds to reach your job
on time. You are superwoman!
How a "Kiss-OFF!" woman would handle
it:
Ha! Dance naked! However, if you are still caught in that seventeenth-century
painted-face image - and the thought of being caught 'bare-faced' is too
much to bear - try these simple tricks:
-
Do not wash your make-up off at night! That's
right! Just refresh your old make-up in the morning.
-
Instead of an hour-long routine of painstakingly
applying mascara to each and every lash, curl your upper lashes and sweep
mascara over them swiftly. Now, dab a spot of color in the center of your
lips (now, don't you feel better?) Next, look in the mirror - I mean really
look in the mirror - did you ever realize before just how ridiculous
make-up really looks?!
What the magazines say:
"Always read your car owner's manual. It will tell you everything you need
to know to fix a flat. Keep it handy in the glove compartment in case you
get a flat and need it in an emergency."
What they really mean:
You just cooked a delicious meal - the men are there with fork in hand. You're
doing laundry - the men are there with soiled clothes in hand. You're tired
from the day and take your clothes off to get in bed - the men are there
with their d*ck in hand. You get a flat - you're on your own!
How a 'Kiss-OFF!' woman would handle
it:
-
Get out of the car.
-
Kick it!
-
Kick it again!
-
Get back in your car.
-
Get out his credit card.
-
Pick-up your cell phone.
-
Call a mechanic!
What the magazines say:
"You Can Lose 5 Pounds and Two Inches Off Your Hips in Just One Week!"
What they really mean:
(Behind the scenes at the magazine's publishing house)
"Here's the plan. First, we create the belief that all women
must look like 17-year-old models. Thus, they will buy our
magazine when they spot the misleading headline on our cover - describing
how they, too, can achieve this impossible ideal image! Just to make sure
that we never get sued for false-advertising, we'll create a really crazy
diet plan that nobody will be able to stick to! In fact, let's
throw in a lot of really awful diet foods - like styrofoam cakes and raw
coffee grinds. Next, we'll plant really delicious and irresistible dessert
recipes throughout the magazine..."
How a 'Kiss-OFF!' woman would handle
it:
Mmmmmmm goooood! These eclairs are heavenly!
What the magazines say:
"A Week of Really Scrumptious Meals. Seven Meals Fit For a King!"
What they really mean:
If you have $845. to spare buying ingredients, and twenty-eight extra hours
a week, you, too, can keep your man home (of course, this is only during
dinner time!)
How a "Kiss-OFF!" woman would handle
it:
"Who hid the cornflakes...?"
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